Combustion - 12/25/2010

Woke up at 3:30 AM after a restless night of never-ending fireworks surrounding Lima, crazy Christmas celebration.  Mac and I got dressed and headed to the airport.  6:15 I finally boarded after saying good bye to my best friend and had a decent 3 hour flight to Panama.  With four hours until the next flight I went online, found Beto and my thoughts from the previous nigh were confirmed.

I think I know my calling, motivational speaker!  So yet again, another boyfriend who I convinced to follow his heart (quit his job and travel or find another job) who as a result, I have lost.  It was because of this he told me that he cannot have a girlfriend and that he is confused and doesn’t know what to do with his life.  He cannot be with someone until he figures himself out first, its time he is selfish!  UGH! I’m retarded.  Why do I do this?  But I am happy for him.  I guess.  Or I will be after a few days/ weeks, not now.  I know all about that book “he’s just not that into you”!

And that’s when I began to drown, slowly at first.  In the airport I was frozen in time as people, like robotic frenzies, scurried around me leaving endless trails of echoes, dizzying me all the while.  One roll of toilet paper and two packs of tissues later I had my flight.  What a fucking flight.

My knees were practically hitting my chest from the turbulence as the tears began to gently flow.  No, I did not have a vision of my death and therefore realized how important life is that I felt immediately better.  Instead I just cried harder.  I was almost at breaking point when the plane landed and I was able to rush out for fresh air.  Unfortunately I rushed right into an hour line at immigration.  I had to stifle everything once again and the build up was too strong for me now.  The pressure was intensifying every minute.  Everything was closing in on me.  I can only describe it as a can of coke that has been shaken endlessly by a cruel child who was teasing me as to when he was going to release my suffering.  And then, without warning, I stepped up to the immigration officer, he said “buenas dias” and my lid fucking popped.  I broke down like a blubbering idiot and the flooding came and without shame.  The officer looked at me with a frightened look that can only be described as quite amusing.  I even felt bad for the poor sucker.  He wanted me out of there as quickly as possible.  He was soo uncomfortable.  He was frozen with fear from my tears and couldn’t look at me.  He was speaking fast and reaching for my passport that when he finally got his stamp into his palm and slammed it down, he let out a huge sigh of relief and moved me right along with a weak smile.

But that was only the flood.  Then came poor, poor Edwin, my taxi driver.  He told me the ride was $6 (super expensive for south America!!!) before I got into the car and then three minutes into the ride he changed it to $7.  I started to argue with him “blah blah… don’t fucking try to cheat me, ive been living in south America for a year.. I ve been cheated by every fucking taxi driver in peru.. im sick of it.. im sick of this shit, blah blah” and then it happened.  Lightning shot from my eyes, fireworks exploded before us and I began sobbing.  Ya know, the whole shoulder bouncing, grasping for air, super sobs!  My face was bright red and my eyes as thin as envelope slips.  The breath, why the damn breath?  The hiccup reaction of trying to catch my breath as I sobbed more and more producing a cyclical reaction.

And boy did he panic!  “ OK, OK… only give me $6” he said over and over again until I had enough air to whisper in a barely audible voice: “no, its not you, I just.. I just.. I just had a terrible day.”  (there were probably about 5 or 6 more “I just’s” in there before I got the rest out without crying.)  Then I went into it after his urging… “ I left my home, my job, my boyfriend and how he didn’t even want me and that I was questioning everything in my life and he just kept repeating “you will love Cartagena.. it is exactly what you need, give it time.  (and topped it off with.. ) Your boyfriend is an idiot.”

Well, we got to the hostel and I tried to give him $7 and he would only take $6.

I needed rejection like I needed a hole in the head - 12/24/2010

I cannot believe how naïve I am.  I honestly thought that he loved me.  He said it, so I believed it.  How does he use those words in that context when it obviously does not reflect the truth.  Yes, he loved me, but because I was his best friend and it was convenient.  We laughed together and I pushed him beyond his comfort level, but that is not that same as being in love with someone.

What am I not?  What don’t I have? The one man who falls in love over and over again with another woman and each time is told that they no longer love him.. this same man doesn’t fall in love with me? 

I needed to know his reaction to fully understand that he let me go because he didn’t love me enough or simply ask me to stay.  He just never loved me enough.  And I never pushed it because deep down I knew it.  And, shit, we did have fun.  But, he never truly loved me.  This isn’t a movie, people don’t just let their love ones slip away. And he, he walked me to the airport door with a big smile and a wave of the hand and then walked away.  Never once did he say a word, ask a question, make a suggestion or give a hint.  Nobody is strong enough to let a loved one go.  And I felt it.  And I knew, but I played his game and pretended like it was OK because I couldn’t deal with the rejection at the time.

Even his “goodbye/ thank you” letter to me never mentioned love, it was merely him thanking me for helping him grow as an individual.  His letter was all about what I did for HIM and nothing about me and who I am as an individual.

Well, the thing about putting off what you already know is that later on, it hurts even more because your false hopes turn out to be just that.. crap!

Who am I kidding?  I know nothing about love or feeling loved.

A little oath before you read..

The first passage you will read is about my being rejected.  The one thing I never like to admit is that Im not good enough at something or for someone.  And this is forcing me to check my ego at the door.  Another thing you should know is that 2 days after I wrote this, I didn’t necessarily feel the same way.  BUT, I will not change a word I write at the time of emotion, that is pointless.  This will not be a chronology of events of where ive been and what I did.  This is to outline the range of emotions that I will experience as I journey.

I will write things that may make you think I’m depressed, crazy, insane, at the height of my happiness.  None of it is permanent and none of it is true.  This is just my ride on Thunder Mountain.  This blog is my place to vent when I have no friends and I am extremely lonely in a country where I do not understand the customs, traditions, languages or the people.  With time, I will become more familiar and even possibly understand it, maybe not.  But, I will always questions “what the hell am I doing now”?  But I hope I will do it remembering that tomorrow everything will be wonderful again. 

Be patient with me as I make mistakes, I lose my temper, I get anxious and afraid, maybe even depressed and childish.. but mostly when I do the same thing over and over again and still do not realize its poison.  Also, my irrationality in the moment of hysteria.  Sometimes I will comment that I realize I was a moron, other times I wont.  Just try to accept the fact that afterwards, almost always, when I was upset.. I will become aware that half the things I wrote were wrong.  And I promise not to change my feelings to make myself look better or more normal.  That way it is more fun for you!  I also understand this is only my interpretation.  Every situation has three stories, mine, the other person’s and the truth.  I’m not here to guess what other people were thinking or feeling, I cant do that.  I can only say what ridiculous thoughts I had at any given time and how I perceived something in the moment.

If I reflect on a conversation I have had with you, I will for sure butcher it.  Not on purpose, but just from a lack of sufficient memory cells.  And, (shit.. didn’t mean to write so much) my English vocabulary has completely faded being in Peru.  Its almost like I have become more stupid!  I just may not get those big words in here!