Beto has arrived on the scene... i went to the house where he was staying (his friend from peru's wife) and when i got there I was soaked from head-to-toe. it was crazy raining. so he gave me a pair of his shorts and i changed and he took a towel and dried my legs with such care and love. i forgot that about him. he is such a caretaker. and then we just hugged and cuddled for hours. we went out and made lunch for the wife, Rosalia, because everyone has a siesta in the middle of the day and then we lreaxed some more and waited for her to get home at 5 and then went for ice cream. when we were out i teased beto (even though it was about me) and told her how he didnt want me and destroyed me. he got really upset and wrote me an email when he got back to the apartment about how he never meant to hurt me and he is trying to think about his future and having a serious relationship and he doesnt know what i want or where i want to be and that scares him and therefore he cannot commit to me.
well.. that was it. i had it at that point. part of the reason i was sooo upset when i left and then called him and said i want to be with him and he told me now is not good was because HE didnt know what HE wanted to do and HE was confused about his life. not because of ME.. and yet, he told me that (not because he was malicious.. but because he didnt get it) and i blamed myself.. like "if only i told him i would stay.." etc. and i sent him the first nasty email i ever sent him and told him to grow the fuck up and start accepting responsibility for his own feelings and that HE is the one confused and its for this reason he cannot be with me because no matter what i was doing.. he knew i would have stopped for him.. and blah bah blah.
anywya.. he was supposd to leave rosario the next morning but his clothes "were still wet". so he is here today until the afternoon and he wants to meet with me to talk because after i sent him that letter he told me he was too tired mentally to think and wanted to meet in person again to talk. of course i will.. i always will.. i do love him.. but after the other day.. its just not right. i mean, after all that he tells me he loves me yet.. he does NOTHING to show me he wants to be with me.. thats not enough. i think, and he told me, the other day, that he is afraid right now.. afraid to be alone (traveling alone is sooo hard), afraid about what he will do for work when he returns and afraid he made the wrong decision about me.. and he really is suffering. but so did i. and i dont want to stop him from suffering, he needs to do it to move on. but i will be here for him always. Even when my heart belongs to someone else, which it may very soon! Who knows.
the other guy. Gabi, came back to Rosario and met us at 4PM. he had some stuff planned for me and Kasia but first we decided we want to go to our crochet class (which we were going to take the next morning) and talk to the teacher about materials we need so we are prepared. i want to take crochet because of the looong bus rides and the looong days at the beach (not a beach person but kasia is). anyway, we get there and she said.. "why dont you buy the stuff and come back for an hour" so poor gabi took us to buy stuff and that sat with us and 2 older women as we all crocheted. then he took us to our salsa class. and watched us and then walked us to tango... poor guy.. but he didnt complain once. he only said.. well, now i think i need to go and have some man time. he told me how much he liked me and wanted just a little kiss.. and i told him he makes me laugh and that he will get nothing from me.. i am leaving and there is no reason to kiss. he understood but didnt stop him from trying. He even came to the bus station the day I was leaving, at 8 in the morning to say good bye. Unfortunately I was running so late that I got to the bus while it was pulling out and didn’t even have a chance to say good bye to him let alone hello. He helped me with my bag, gave a quick peck and I ran off!!! Poor, poor Gabriel.
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