Part 1 of "the King"

ok, there was this boy, lets call him “Miguel”? (decided on the second post to just call him Victor but don’t feel like changing it here) before I went to Medellin I had contact with him but I didn’t really get a good sense of who he was.. so I stayed clear of him for awhile.  Then I decided, what the fuck , we live once. 

Well, I ended up staying with him for 5 days.  Both me and this other guy Eric who was traveling from the states.   And, while I was there, there were only 2 places to sleep.. on the blow up mattress with Eric, which I did once and only once and then on the real nice bed with “Miguel” which I did three times.

Between evenings, “Miguel”, Eric and I played around the city and acted like complete morons, it was fun.  And I started seeing “Miguel” differently and he me.  By the second evening I slept in bed with him which was my third evening staying with him, he got up in the middle of the night, got a glass of water, came back and put his left hand on my back.  He began to just gently rub my back and my head while I slept.  When I woke up he told me to go back to sleep and that he was just happy being there with me.  We ended up cuddling the entire night but not kissing or anything, just cuddling and him rubbing my back.  Since he doesn’t sleep very well, this was good therapy for him and we fell asleep in each others arms.

The next night was the same.  I slept in his bed and the same thing happened.  He knew I wouldn’t sleep with him from earlier conversations so it was never an issure or concern for me because I knew he respected me and my desires.  He also knew I was leaving and did not want to start something that he could not finish.. or maybe he did but just had respect for me.  Anyway, in the morning when we woke up, which was my last day, he had to get ready for work and he just grabbed me and we embraced for what felt like hours.  Then he gave me a kiss and left.

About 4 hours later, i left Medellin for Bogota.  That night he sent me a text message that said i forgot something and he needed my address in Bogota to send me what i forgot...

well.. he sent it over night and this is what came in the package....  

(first background).. 

1.  when i was with him he told me he wanted to keep my butt and my sleepy voice.. and i told him i wanted to keep his left hand because he was rubbing and tickling my back for hours while i was sleeping

2.  he loves making massive collages of photographs and from the minute i got there i fell in love with one of the photographs of a little boy scrunching up his arms next to his chest and giving a delicious smile that could not have been faked

3.  the first night i went there he melted down chocolate then added salt and pepper to it.  but, he told me that he was missing one ingredient and promised to make me another bar before i left (the ingredient being cashews) he never did because both our schedules were hectic with him working and me running all around the city

wellll...  i opened up the package and inside was...

1. a picture of the photo from the collaged table that i LOVE and on the back he pasted a photo of himself and a cut out of his left hand..  on the other side he wrote about how he loves the way i live life and that my happiness cannot be faked...

2. then he made me a cd of the music he was supposed to make me but never did 

3.  AND he made the chocolate bar with salt and pepper that we were supposed to make together! and this time he added cashews

4.  lastly, he bought me one of those head scratchers to replace his left hand..

is he not the most adorable thing in the world?!  he is soooo sweet!!!!  im still in shock.. this is romantic .. this is what every girl wants.. well, at least this girl.

ahhh.. rocking the romance.. me gusta!

Cool things about Colombia

1.    People are given clear, plastic gloves at restaurants when they order chicken wings, onion rings, French fries or anything that may leave a greasy feeling or smell

2.    Awesome president that uses inventive techniques to change the cities:

a.    hired “traffic mimes” to mock violators

b.   instituted a “night for women” when men are asked to stay home and female cops policed 700,000 women out for open-air shows and events

c.    helped get people to reduce their water use by doing an ad campaign where he steps out of the shower full of suds and turns off the water.  Usage went down 40%

3.    The metro system is cleaner, faster, wider and prettier then any other I have seen in the world

4.    Peoples licensed plates have certain last digit numbers.  These numbers are equal to a day.   On this day, you are not allowed to drive your car in the cities.  It must be parked.  This has cut down on pollution and traffic.  How cool!

5.    A particular place, Andres:

a.    They had guardian angels at their restaurants to drive people home so they do not drive drunk

b.   They have hammocks outside of their club for people who need to sleep off a bit of drunkenness

c.    They have 2 stickers they give to people: a heart and wings.. if you wear the heart, you are taken; if you wear the wings, you are free!

6.    When leaving the bus station, you go to a taxi stand with a booth.  You tell the clerk where you are going and she gives you a print out with the address and the price so that the drivers cannot cheat you (not that they would)

7.    Salsa dancing in Cali – its like a mixture of swing and salsa!!  Its AMAZING

8.    People walk around in armies.  You see families with 16 people taking a stroll down the side walk, everyone is holding hands or hugging and laughing.  They go everywhere together and do everything together.

9.    People party by dancing.  They do not sit down and talk.  Everywhere you go you will see restaurants where 1 or 2 couples are up in the middle of the restaurant doing a slow, romantic salsa together or you will find a small mariachi band on the street with a random group of people hanging out with them dancing.

10.                 Arepas:  awesome thick corn tortillas that you eat shmeared with butter and cheese

11.                 Hot chocolate: best I ever tasted!

12.                 Motorcycles are like bicycles in NY.. run right through red lights.. so you have to be SUPER careful where you step and when!

13.                 Obeas? (maybe the wrong name) they are like flat round cardboard wafers and you have 4 stacked together and in between each layer is cheese, arequipe (like dulce de leche) and jam.. interesting and amazing combination

14.                 Only country in South America where its safe to drink water from the tap

15.                 The people

16.                 On the buses in Bogota, people would hop on and play music, or try to sell things.  Kind of luck the subways.  But here, everyone gave their respect and attention to these people and in many instances even clapped for them when they were finished!

17.                 Mullets in Medellin.. lots of them, girls and guys

18.                 Medellin- many of the early settlers were Spanish Jews fleeing the Inquisition.  They divided their lands into small haciendas, which they farmed themselves, which was very different from the slave-based plantation culture that dominated Colombia.  With their focus on self-reliance, they had little interest in commercial contact with neighboring regions.  For this, they became known as hard workers with a fierce independent streak

19.                 Cocaine:

a.    between 50,00 and 300,000 hecatres are cleared every year to grow coca plants

b.   processing coca plants into cocaine is a hazardous job requiring chemicals including kerosene, sulfuric acid, acetone and carbide.  These toxins are then dumped on the ground or in delicate streams and rivers

c.    1 in 20 Colombians have become displaces since the 1980’s (second only to Sudan) because they are caught in the crossfire between paramilitaries and guerilla forces.  About 860 additional people become displaced because of their location on the drug transportation route

d.   Colombians, as a rule, do not do Cocaine.  Cocaine production has funded the ongoing civil war for decades and consuming Cocaine is perceived as supporting the conflict.  The reason the business is so big is because of Westerners who have money who think its “fun” to do with friends, family, business partners, girlfriends, etc.  For this reason, so many Colombians must suffer.

e.    “Many mid-level drug traffickers because obsessed with mariachi gear.  Most of it is kept out of public but if you see a mariachi, you might not want to ask him to show you what’s in his guitar case” – Lonely Planet

What I don’t like about Colombia

1.    CHEESE BREAD

2.    Getting stuck in the airport because of my own stupidity

My Birthday.. and King for the day

Mike and I arrived to Cali after some last minute mayhem in Bogota.

[snap shot]

went to the salt caves with Mike and Camilo.  Awesome.  From there he took us to this crazy cool club outside of the city called Andres.  Wrote about it before.  Anyway, Mike was on 4 hours of sleep and I was exhausted and we were in the middle of nowhere and couldn’t go back to Adriana’s house because it was too late (that’s where we were couch surfing).  Plus we had all our bags with us because we had to go to the airport super early in the morning.  Camilo was supposed to have a table for us, never happened.  So he found us a table with an old friend of his and he found another table with some high schools friends where he stayed.  When we first sat down, the guys at the table asked if wanted a drink and I politely declined.  So he asked me to be his “guardian angel”.  The night club has guardian angels who you pay $30 and they drive you with your car home.  I agreed in exchange to crash on his couch til 5AM when we had to leave for the airport.  Long story short, Mike got too tired.  The kind of tired that begins to hurt.  They weren’t done partying.  The place closed at 3 and there was no way we were going to make it that long.  So I told Felipe that he will have to pay a real GA to drive him home because we have to leave.  He said.. no no no, we are leaving real soon.  Problem 1: never believe someone who is drunk, especially when they say “soon” and make no move to leave or change positions.  Problem 2: don’t get caught in the middle of nowhere with no way out.  SO we stayed.  About 2 hours later we had enough.  We told him, at around 1AM that it was time to go.  After 30 minutes of doing who knows what he was finally ready. 

ok.. basically.. January 17^th I dragged Mike with me to one of the best salsa schools.  And, he was excited to go.  We ended up taking 3 classes in one day with the best professors. ago i Cali is the salsa capital of the WORLD! i was taking classes in the morning at this school and when i asked where i can go out dancing.. the woman who runs the school snapped her fingers and 4 of her professors came running in.. and she said.. you will go with them!  They will take care of you.

and we did.. and they did.  they were the best dancers at this club.. the only club open on mondays and where all the best dancers gather every week.. and they made us dance to EVERY song.. at around midnight too.. this place, filled with 4-500 people started giving shout-outs to people.. and then they mentioned the foreighners… MIKE AND JESSICA.. and everyone looked at us immediately because we were the only GRINGOS there and started cheering! It was awesome!  we were there until 2AM, closing time in Cali.. so that was the first 2 hours of my birthday..

then i tool a 10 hour bus ride across Colombia and was in such bliss and peace looking at this scenery.. it was like i was in a discovery channel movie.  By the way, my seat was #18

anyway.. I called victor when i got there and he said.. WAIT THERe, IM COMING..  10 minutes later he pulls up (remember, im also with my friend Mike) and i open the car door and he is wearing a silly, cardboard birthday cap and has balloons and streamers in his ENTIRE car and he shouts HAPP Y BIRTHDAY and gives both me and Mike a hat!! it was AWESOME!

then... he takes us back to the house and first we pass by the big sports center.. so we run in and watch underwater hockey.. it was amazing.. men and women competing in a massive pool.  everyone is wearing goggles and scuba gear and everytime they need to breathe they come up for air and then dive right back down to try to get the puck in their corner!

then we get back to the apartment, we shower and head to hear live salsa music at one of the only bumping clubs on a tuesday night.. we parked the car in spot #18 it was packed and victor wouldnt let me sit down for a minute.  it was so much fun.. after about an hour we drop mike back at the house and me and victor go for a 2 hour car ride chasing the moon.  we drive all around the city to find a nice, sweet little spot and finally end up giving up because whenevre we find something, it seems as though the moon has moved.. no jokE!  And well.. the last time the cops chased us away.

then he takes me to the Love Motel..  mind you, i asked him to go because i have heard SO MUCH ABOUT IT!! and i preferenced it with.. but we wont have sex...  basically, here in Colombia, kids live at home til they get married.. and parents and society do not want them making out in a dirty discotech or on the street so they built Love Motels all over the city (and country).  But this isn’t like a sick and gross place.  They are AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL.. and I begged him and he laughed and said.. of course! So he paid for us to get in and we get room 103.  Well, he opened the door and my mouth dropped.. it was super big, black and white tiles, a HUGE bed on the right hand side, a “love” couch and “Sex” chair on the left and in the back right hand corner this amazingly big and round Jacuzzi with shower.  It was equipped with towels, soap, music, and of course.. strobe lighting.  And people go there for hours at a time or just for one quickie.  It was super clean and very exotic.  We spent like an hour in the Jacuzzi just hanging out and laughing and he asked me if I will come back to Colombia.. I said it seems very likely but I will go to cali.. and he told me since I came to visit him here.. he will come to cali to visit me!  No no, im not his girlfriend nor am I going to fall head over heels for him.. don’t know him long enough and well.. don’t have the energy right now..  J  (ok.. I lied a bit.. I did totally fall head over heels for him.. what to do?!)  you all know the drill.

We had an amazing time and laughed pratically the whole night til we fell asleep.  He woke me up at 5:15, drove me home, took the piece of cake he bought for me out of his bag which we never got to, hopped in the shower and left for work!

I felt so incredibly special and loved the ENTIRE day!

The Chiva

The most extraordinary invention I have ever seen.  Beyond all expectations.  Above imagination.  Truly magnificent.

The Colombian tour bus for locals.

Luckily, on my first day in Medellin I met this amazing girl who has been living in the states but is from Colombia.  She heard me speaking Spanish with my friends and immediately came over to welcome us to her country.  We exchanged phone numbers and next thing I know, I am face-to-face with The Chiva.

Let me explain.  A HUGE bus that has the engine in front so it looks like a truck.  The insides of the bus are ripped out and the windows are no longer there.  The bus is painted in fantastically ornate colors and decorations in honor of the one and only; Mr. Hey Zues (jesus). 

climbing on board

But why is this so fantabulous?  Well, these buses are for locals only, not tourists.  Families, friends, co-workers, whoever rent them out for an evening.  You can squeeze 40 people into one of these buses.  And the bus, with its amazing monk-like sounding horn will blast its horn as it drives these groups to the different places for partying around the city.  It stop at every major square and lets the group of to dance it up and look at the lights (its only during xmas time) and buy street food.

But it gets better.  While on the bus being transported from place to place, there is a live Mariachi band inside playing amazing Colombian music while everyone is drinking, eating and dancing the entire time.  And, while on the bus, vendors of popcorn, meat, cheese, fried stuff, whatever hop on the sides of the bus and try to sell you their goods through the bars where the windows used to be.. so there are just people hanging over and on top of and through the bus at all times and everyone is happy and smiling and drinking and of course, here in Colombia, dancing.

popcorn vendor hanging on the side of the bunch while driving around Medellin

I think this ignited the creation of the word, brilliant.

Coming Together at last...

Most recent updates…. Mike G., a friend of my brothers who I met in India sent me a message.  He is leaving the wife at her job and coming to chill with me in Colombia!  Tuesday evening!!!  January 12^th! AWESOME!  Ill have someone to celebrate my birfday with and we had so much fun in India together, especially eating!

My friend Kasia wrote to me from Cusco.  She is this ridiculously crazy and fun girl who has been traveling for the past 5 years or so.  She was dating a boy but decided they needed a break and we are meeting in Arequipa, Peru on February 1^st and doing this… (this is 1/45^th of what Kasia wrote to me for plans as to options we can do to get to Rio for Carnaval…  it really did give me a head ache reading everything so I took out the hight lights)

chile and then turn to argentina (Mendoza, cordoba, Buenos) and up north through iguazu falls to brasil.

go through brasilia do Salvador de bahia, I’ve been there twice and I absolutely love it and from there we could go south towards rio. Mind you those distances are huge, and buses pretty pricey and there would be a lot buses involved, maybe form Puerto velho it would actually be cheaper to take the flight, they aren’t cheap either but still it’s domestic and you can get something decent I suppose).


So let’s go through chile for salta (I know a guy who is a guide in san pedro de Atacama, so I asked him for advice if there is something really worth the stop on the way to salta, hope he’ll get back to me). And once we are there we’ll figure out if we wanna go south of argentina (I am not so crazy for baires but would love to try tango and I know very good salsero ther who would probably take us for good salsa) or if we stay in the north.

She will plan where we go and what direction since I am not the best planner in the world.  And my job will be to find us accommodations on couch surfing before we arrive!  We are going to dance our asses off together.

Background:  Kasia and I met dancing in Cusco together.  She is a passionate, energetic and crazy blonde from Poland who speaks perfect Spanish and gives not a fuck about what others think of her situation and choice of lifestyle.  True inspiration.

Victor, on the other hand, is my new couch host.  He is soo fucking cool.

First stop, his studio to pick up the key.  I walk into this amazing little kitchen where people are preparing and creating all sorts of food and other people are taking film of it.  Walk through to the back to find about 8 people on computers editing, writing, marketing, etc.

It was such a sweet set up.  Then he takes me home and we go to Exito.  Think of Bloomingdales for food.  This place is massive, overwhelming and fantabulous.  It has everything I can ask for except Crest Scope toothpaste.  Oh how I miss you!  We bought a mattress for me and the other random couch surfers who will be joining us in the next few days.  Like Santiago, Victor’s place is huge but its not cookie cutter.  He says he has nothing worth stealing and doesn’t care who comes and goes and the night before I arrived he had 5 guys from Venezuela partying with him!

The next day Eric arrives as his next couch surfer.  Eric is this strange guy from New Hampshire who had been living in Santa Fe before he took off to Brazil for 3 months and decided to live between Rio and the Vipassana Center there.  Immediately I was hooked on him.  He had a girlfriend from Angola who he broke up with to move back to Santa Fe to study transpersonal Social Work.  Tell me this wasn’t meant to be!  He also is setting me up with (or going to try to) the girl who rented him an apartment in Rio so I can save some bucks during Carnaval since it will be WAY out of price range!  Everything he said, his speech, his actions, his openness and retarded humor, I knew I loved this guy.  And, the 3 of us together, Victor, Eric and myself just became a pack of blubbering idiots.  Eric also fascinated me because he dated someone in the OneTaste community when he lives in Hawaii.  Oi! Look it up if you need to.  (sex cult!)

Finally I began traveling according to my own desires.  We woke up early, hung around a bit.  Exchanged stories before taking a bus 40 minutes away to a smaller town where Victor’s friend picked us up in her car and we went to a small plaza where we all drank, ate chocolate covered strawberries and other weird combinations of food:  favorite combo cheese and caramel.  Who would have guessed!  We then went to a marga (field) and played Frisbee amongst the mountains, cows and horses.  It was magnificent.  If I ever DO come back to live in Colombia this will be it.  Its high in the mountains outside of the city and lush and delicious with lakes, birds, flowers and amazing people. And its so close to Medellin which is like living in a city in the states.

People from everywhere were stopping us to talk to us.  They would hear us speak English and want to know everything about us, including how we were traveling alone and if we loved their city.  They went out of their way to give us directions and when we would buy stuff, like in all Colombia they would always throw something else in for free.   Supposedly its tradition.  You buy 5 bananas and they guy at the market will “throw in” 2 mangos.  Its amazing and beautiful and the people just continue to shock me every moment.

Staying with Victor 2 more days until I head off to Bogota to gather up Mike.  But I could live here, I could be here.  Just not now.

The Mile High Club

In the past few days I….

Met Dawn... adorable 25 year old traveling from Northern England who is in love with malls, Medellin and water parks.  I helped her buy a bus ticket from Cartagena to Medellin and since she lived in Medellin for a month she helped tour me around the first few days.

Adrian, Dawn, Chris, Jason, Stephan

Adrian, Mexican guy who dropped out of school to open his own business and is not going back to school while running an internet café.  He became the guide of the guide; translating everything from Spanish to English for us.

 i was almost attacked by a German Shepard.  They have these massive nativity scenes along the river in Medellin and I was the only one out of 6 of us that was LOVING it.. you can imagine.. i was running in and out of these little platforms filled with christmas stuff ten times the size of normal humans (look at the photos and you will see) and the last one, as i rounded the corner a dog jumped out of nowhere and seriously almost gave me a heart attack!  i was panicking.. thankfully it was leashed and the police officer jumped up immediately to hold him back.  my friends were all pointing at me and saying they didnt know who i was because the dog looked like a coke sniffer.. i was panicked!!!

2 old adorable men:  didn’t actually meet but they were rocking it. Totally decked out in pin-striped suits, nice buckled shoes and hats.  They were sitting on a bench, chilling and sucking up some ice cream cones.  They were so friggin adorable.  It made all the other guys I was with ponder about what life is really all about.  They didn’t get far into the pondering before they switched subjects to beer.  But hey, still fun.  When the old timers left, they took a loop around the tiny square and headed out.  I caught a wave to one of them who smiled and stuck his tongue out at me.  I think it was because he was lacking teeth to talk.  This brought the guys to pondering one more time.  They practiced their slick tongue moves and trying to learn from the wisdom of 80+ years but it just wasn’t the same!

2 adorable old men

Kyle.  Oh, Kyle.  Kyle I met with the other guys and Dawn while waiting for the thunder and lightening to ease up.  He overheard us speaking English and joined  in on the fun.  Turns out he was heading my way and gave me a lift to his hotel.  My darling Kyle is a pilot and tried every move in the book to get with me.  In the end, when he realized I wasn’t biting he offered to fly to New York for the day to be my date for Dana’s wedding if I don’t have another one.  Pilots, mmm.

me with the pilot's jacket!  

Santiagao.. my first couch host.  Super cute and Super sweet.   We got along so well and he was really charming.  Finally, on Thursday night we went out and we danced Salsa and tried to get Kyle a date with a woman who had fake boobs and a butt.  Didn’t work.  Spent the past 4 nights with him watching movies and chatting and last night stayed up until 4AM talking about life and fear and love.  So adorable and I am really thrilled to be his friend.

Victor.  Victor, the man of mystery.  Victor is to be my second couch host.  However, I refused to stay with him since his profile on the website gave no information whatsoever.  I told him to please meet for coffee first so I can get a better idea about who he is.  Well, the day that we were supposed to orginially meet he sent me an email.. “sorry, ive just come from a shooting, lets make it tomorrow”  instincts:  Colombia, shooting, drugs, death.  I met him anyway and he is AMAZING.  I mean completely.  He is so chill and cool and easy and fun.  He has his own company that creates food and then he photographs it.  Im going to go today, he said I can create something!  He also has a car and will take us to a Carnaval that happens every year at this time right outside Medellin.  On Sunday, he has some bikes that we will tour the city in.  Im moving in today and so is another Israeli guy so it should be fun.

Searching, through solitude, for passion and love

I continue to wake up feeling a bit ill in my stomach.  The gnawing sensation hasn’t quite left from the split.  And traveling has never been easy for me.  Im having a great time, but I don’t enjoy it as much as everyone seems to think.  Im more of a “go somewhere and stay” type of chick.  Im not a fan of bussing places and meeting tourists who have to jam pack it all in.  I like taking my time and getting to know people and learning about the hidden treasures of a place that cant be found in Lonely Planet.  Which, as my friends pointed out and is so true, monopolizes the world of tourists.  We are like a pack of lambs ready to listen and obey whatever that guide book tells us.  And, its not always right.  And, its not even that good.

Where was i.. Yes, I wake up feeling itchy inside and I want to have a better understanding of what the hell im doing but I haven’t given myself the time to sit and reflect.  Ive looked for 4 yoga studios already all which are closed and 3 dance studios.. same; closed.  It seems to be that time of year where everyone is still playing and nobody wants to work.  Which is great for them, bad for me.  Im in a complete state of confusion.  Not bad.  Just confused.  And I need the help of a community of people who are practicing and stable to help me get into my own zone to take time to heal myself and figure out what I want from this life.  I know at this point I can have anything that I desire.  I also know that I will be successful at what I do.  Time and experience has shown me that.  It is still always a struggle and I always am contemplating and complaining about how to get it and what to do once I have it. But, I know it can be mine.  Which, for me, makes it even more difficult and delicate to begin this process.  I have to really be ready for choosing what i want and be aware that it will come.  I do not just want to put something out there and follow an idea to realize the past 8 months was for something that is completely unimportant and irrelevant for me.  That’s what this life is about.  Broadening my horizons to get the fullness and richness out of what life has to offer.  Well, that’s what it is for me.  I am fully aware that this is NOTHING what some people want.  But, for me, by being out here and seeing the way other worlds run and work and play, I am opening up new possibilities that I never explored for myself and my future.

But now I have to take that time and explore those desires.  Carmon made me do it.  And helped me through the process.  But, Carmon died and now I have to do it alone.  Im not quite there but I feel like im getting closer to searching.  Its always the hardest part.  Searching through solitude for passion and love.

Diarrhea of the Mouth

The advice I always got..

Never say too much
He doesnt have to know everything
Let him do the talking
Dont be pushy
He should be the man and tell you what he wants
If he is already gone, keep it in, dont let him know what you're feeling and thinking
he should always love you a little but more then you love him
its over, why say anything at all
best to just keep it in, you will get over it and he doesnt deserve to know the truth

Well, as my Australian friend might say (because i may be saying it wrong)  BUGGER TO ALL THAT

I just experienced the most freeing conversation of my life.  After this whole thing happened with Beto, I still felt like I was shattered.  I couldnt figure out what it was.  I thought maybe it was because I was waiting for him to tell me something or that I needed him to tell me he loves me and misses me.  Maybe it was also that I wanted to feel wanted.  I tried to think it through and I tried to feel the truth.  None of it seemed to complete me or fulfill me.  Then it hit.

I was writing to him and I realized I needed to tell him EXACTLY how I felt, how much I love him, how I can see us being together and how I thought he was great for me and great as an individual and how proud I was of him of all the decisions he was making, even if it meant he had to leave me to do it.  I went against EVERY piece of advice i ever got.   And you know what?  It was the most amazing feeling to let it out.  To scream it from the roof tops (not literally).  To let another human being know that he is special and loved no matter what he chooses for himself.  And that he DOES need to put himself first to find happiness if he is ever going to make another person happy.

It also felt good that he knew everything I was feeling so that he could make a better decision for himself.  If I left out information, then his decisions will only be partial as well.  And well, I never fully expressed myself.  To anyone.  Even when I told my friend Carmen, from college, about what i did she said.. "oh my god, you never told ANYONE you love them before!"  and its not because i didnt love them, its because i didnt think i should, or it wasnt right timing, or i wasnt confident enough.

Anyway, after taht conversation, I finally felt free to continue on in my journey.  I knew I had done everything and I no longer have a choice in the matter.  And now, Beto can choose or not choose to be with me in the future and i will be or wont be available.  But, I did my part.  I let it out.  I let him flly understand his importance not only to me but to himself.  And it was the best thing I could have done for both of us.

What Susan means to me: 4 legged animals and my period

What you need to bring with you while traveling through a Colombian jungle I learned while returning from the jungle:

1.     Deet

2.     Water

3.     Food

4.     Hiking boots

5.     Suntan lotion

6.     Passport

7.     Money

8.     Flashlight

9.     Common sense

10. Bathing suit

11. Tampons

12. Band-aids

Of the above, I had ZERO with me.  And so the story begins…

It was a bright, beautiful and clear morning.  We arrived in Santa Marta yesterday and went right to sleep to be ready for our “little” hike.   Raman, Rose (a couple from Canada), Susan and I hopped into a taxi and made a quick a pit stop with the driver to drop off the microwave that was now sitting on top of Raman’s lap.  45 minutes later, while bopping away to a medley of Greece 1 music, we were at Tayrona National Park.  We walked to our ridiculously amazing room where we would be staying the night, top floor of a little house, circular with no windows and only a bit of hatchet for a roof.  The shower was outside, the beds were outside (with mosquito nets of course) and it was like heaven.

the room

view from the room

R&R - Raman and Rose

So, from the entrance, we have to take these little mini buses into the jungle to get us close enough to a path because it would have been another hour walk into the deep of it.  The minivan waits to be full and again we need (7) for the driver.  Halfway through, the minivan stops and we are all told to get out.  What I haven’t mentioned was that there have been serious rain storms and flooding in Colombia the past few days/weeks.  Two buses that were crossing each other on the path sank in the mud and were stuck.  We had to hop across this area where another bus was waiting to take us the rest of the route.  (hours later, the buses were still trapped in the mud).  And this is when the worrying began. 

We started talking to one another.. “is this good?”  “should we do this?”  obviously you know the answer.  Let me ask you.. have you ever had an experience where afterwards you thought.. “now I’ve done everything!?!?!”  Well, this turned out to be THAT day for me.  Everything, and then some.

We get dropped off, and the crew begins walking.  Im talking to Nick and his friend Joe because it turns out, they are the only other idiots also wearing flips.  Susan walks ahead with 5 other people from the mini- van, all who are wearing (4) and Nick, Joe and I are taking our time as after the first few steps into the hike we are already slipping in our footwear and its becoming more and more difficult to take any steps with blisters, bleeding and well.. open shoes.  Finally Nick says “ahh.. fuck it” and takes his flips off.  Joe and I are still slipping with every step in the very delicate mud until I reluctantly try to take my flips off too.  So, here I am, walking barefoot in a jungle filled with mud, bugs, spiders, snakes, diseases, thorn bushes, etc.  I am panicking a bit except for the fact that we were able to pick the pace up a bit.  Then we hit our first mud puddle.  Nick takes the first step and gets knee deep in mud (WITHOUT SHOES!)  and there is nowhere else to go but through it because we are LITERALLY in a jungle.  This wasn’t like Costa Rica where they “made” the cloud forest really nice for everything.  This park was
barely visited until 5 years ago besides people from Colombia.  There is no safety nets in place or signs or anything of the sort.  So, I have no choice but to follow in right after him (oh yeah.. the choice to turn back.. but seriously?!)  So for the next 2 hours we are sweating, sighing, whining, complaining, laughing and having an incredible frightening and amazing experience waddling through shit loads of mud filled with who the hell knows what.  The real problem was that it was so friggin slippery.  The good part that it was like a constant massage between my toes.  How delicious!  And, when we would grab onto something, it was either a thin tree trunk with giant blue thorns that stuck in you like a mother fucker (never saw that before.. it was really cool) or a hanging branch that Tarzan would use so it was completely unstable and it made you fly like crazy.

Nick, me and Joe (check out the feet!)

So, like I said, 2 hours later we finally get to this roaring, angry ocean and for the first time since we left that morning, we were pumped that we were barefoot.  Everyone else’s hiking boots up to their calves were mud-filled, making their strides shorter and slower.  Well, it was 3:30 when we arrived.  The clouds were starting to form and a local told us the park closes at 5 so you have to be in or be out.  We started freaking out.  We had no (1), (2), or (3) and I had no (4), (8), (11) or (12).  And, there was NO WAY I was keeping a tampon in all day and all night and I couldn’t walk back without shoes.  It was great ONCE.. I couldn’t do it again.  And Nick and Joe looked at me and they were like NO FUCKING WAY.  We were exhausted and it was so difficult for us.  Everyone’s thoughts started to race.  Someone told us if we cross a few beaches we could find horses about 35-40 minutes away.  But there was no guarantee and we would have definitely been stuck there all night.  Plus, we couldn’t cross the beaches because there were too may boulders and the ocean was so fierce that Nick lost his flips the minute he put them down from a big wave that came and overtook them and almost him.  He was last to climb up on the rocks and it came out of nowhere.. really!  So now he was completely shoeless and we were all restless.

By the way, the only sign we saw in English the entire time we were in Colombia was on these beaches that said “more than 100 people have died swimming here.  Do not try it”

Anyway, we made it to an area that had some hammocks for rent and we were debating to walk back or move on.  Susan was walking back, I was going to stay.  I could NOT do it again.  Everything was hurting.  And then we walked behind the hammocks and found tons of people waiting in line to take 8 horses back to the main area.  People were arguing and bargaining and waiting and stressed.  Nobody was warned about how terrible the conditions were and it took everyone twice as long and nobody wanted to be stuck here yet nobody wanted to walk back either.  I walked over to one group of people that was arguing over which of the 6 of them will get the 2 horses.  They wanted to take just one to carry their stuff out but the Colombian guy was giving them 2 or none.  I don’t think they had enough money and decided to walk after 15 minutes.  I jumped on it and told the guy we will take the horses.  We needed them.  Ahead of everyone else that have been waiting.  We grabbed the guy and made him give us his horses.  So, the group was kind enough to put me and Nick on the horse (because we found out later that Joe did have some kicks in his bag but didn’t want them to get dirty).  However, he took them right out as soon as we began walking and said “fuck this”  “who cares about being clean right now”

the horse

And then part 2 of trauma began.  The guy shoves me on the horst first (cool horse, had a blonde Mohawk) and walks away.  Well, the horse starts walking too, the other direction.   If anyone knows me at all, I HATE riding horses.  It scares the shit out of me.  And I start screaming and praying and screaming some more.  I know, a bit dramatic.  But what the hell do I know!  Turns out I wasn’t the only one petrified.  Finished the horsey ride after 40 minutes and met up with the rest of the gang.  Hopped on a bus back to the entrance where the original mud-stuck buses were still entrenched.  Then took another bus back to the entrance to our “room” for the night.  Had to walk in the dark through more friggin mud and water until we made it to our home cooked meal with hot chocolate, salad, amazing coconut rice and fish.  Thanks Susan!

traveling vs. "settling" - 12/28/2010

so.. with the help of John and Susan, I think ive finally been able to come to a conclusion about my feelings around this. 

Traveling is THE most amazing thing I have ever done in my life.  It allows me to learn, grow, test my boundaries, become aware of my faults and my fears and try to overcome them.  I meet new and interesting people, try things I never would have tried and be myself in a way that is very difficult to do when you are surrounded by loved ones who have certain expectations for you and also when you are in a society that has certain expectations for you.  I can do things differently and in new ways that I wouldn’t have to answer to anyone about and nobody judges me.  There is something freeing and liberating about being far from everything you know.  I have an opportunity to experiment with who I am and also hide away and run towards life and living.

The other thing I realized is that with all this amazing traveling, eventually its over.  And even the most intense trip with the most harsh emotions and incredible experiences are in the past.  The memories are fading and after a year or two its: wow, I did that.  Then after 3 or 4 years its: I did that, but don’t remember how I got there or why I did it or how I felt.  Then after 5 or 6 years its: where was I when I did what I did.. and did I really do it? Do I have pictures to prove it because I don’t remember and then after 7 or 8 years its: wait .. its nothing because ive completely forgotten to remember it all together.

Of course this may not be the hugest things.. but its most.

So, the point of the story.  For me, traveling all the time is creating the past.  A family, being with someone you love and hate at times, growing with someone, having a life together.  This is the continuing present.  Of course, things may change and it may get better or worse, but its always the present.  And for the first time in my life, I want this.  Yes I know, I am still traveling.  But I feel that when I meet someone who I love and who wants to love me back, I will be ready to see if it works.  I wont protect myself by planning to leave in the future.  I will do what I can to make it work.  Oi.  What a crazy thought!  For me anyway.  And im not afraid of this thought.  Im kind of finding pleasure in thinking about it.

And, as Susan put it so well:  “Jessica, it doesn’t matter where you will travel next, you won’t remember it in a year anyway.”

Kidnapped in Colombia - 12/27/2010

2^nd full day in Cartagena, Colombia and already Susan and I feel like we have packed in so much and had such an amazing time.  Yesterday began slowly, partially because my vision of life was still a bit tainted.. and it was Sunday!  But by the evening, the place was packed, people were out and it was alive with a beautiful energy.  We ate at this AMAZING ceviche place and then walked around for a few hours.  We heard music crawling down the streets so we followed it to a spot overlooking the beach and found a bunch of locals harmonizing their instruments and vocals and others joining around them with maracas, dancing and playing.  So amazing!!!

Anyway. Today from the beginning was perfect.  It was the day of the motor boat ride to the white sandy beach, 45 minutes away.  Our boat comes to the dock and the woman pushed me on board first.  Three super local Colombian men without a word of English and a crazy accent that I could NOT comprehend for ANYthing grabbed my hands and pulled me on board.  I jump to where the seats were, excited to have first choice of seats and by the time I turn around to look for Susan, the boat, me and the 3 big men take off from the dock.  I did a quick two second panic (OH MY GOD.. what the hell is going on .. SUSAN!!!!!!) and Susan is staring at me with wide eyes as the boat creeps further and further away from the landing.  I start shouting.. WAIT WAIT… SUSAN… (of course, I lost any Spanish I had at exactly that moment) and Susan is standing there giving me this limp wave that I read as… :”I don’t know what to do.. bye.. sorry”   A few seconds later, which felt like minutes, I realized they were going to get gas on the other side of the dock area and since we were paying with credit card, they needed to slide the credit card through at the gas station.  I shouted that Susan is the one with the card and finally the stopped, went back, picked her up and the two of us went together.  Fucking chaos, so early in the morning…  This was going to be an AMAZING day..  ( I would have liked to add in that I had flashes of kidnappings for drama.. but that didn’t even occur to me until afterwards!)

30 people get on the boat when it re-docks and we end up sitting behind 2 Americans, awesome people.  And then it begins.  We start speeding towards our next destination and I don’t know if its because im now 32, if im in Colombia or if I really don’t trust these guys.. but it’s the scariest fucking ride of my life.  It doesn’t help that we decided to do this trip when its raining, so the ocean’s waves are HUGE and this was a speed boat.. well the whole boat, besides smashing back and forth was bouncing like mad the whole ride.  I was literally praying for my life.  (haven’t done that in a while)  The only thing I can think of comparing it to is when you are in a plane and you have no control of whats happening and then you hit turbulence.  The difference is, on a plane, I cant really scream when im frightened.  On the boat.. it was so loud, so fast, water everywhere that I cleared my lungs of any mucus, germs, bacteria, ANYTHING that may have been floating around in there.. wow, what a thrill.  Would have been great if it weren’t for the fact that I had to do it two more times and then it just got frightening.  I felt like I was testing my luck.  (mind you, as I write this, the whole keyboard is moving underneath my fingers, scratch that..  the whole ROOM is moving…

Anyway, we stop at the aquarium, and most people get off and the guide, Juanchito (or as I called him, enano) starts asking us what we want to do.. me, susan and the other 2.  Unfortunately in this scenario, im the only one who has an inkling of Spanish and they are waiting for me to translate.  Juanchito keeps looking at Hank, the only man amongst us, thinking he will get it.. but Hank keeps looking at me.. and I have noone to look at.  With time I get that he is asking us to get off the fucking boat and get our asses into the beautiful blue ocean and go scuba diving where half of the group is waiting for us!!  Lol (in that time, Junachito also asked me to marry him.. the only reason I got this out of everything was because I know the word matrimonia.. and he pointed to me and said “YOU”)  so

I got my first proposal.. from the same man who was trying to kidnap me earlier!  J how fabulous.  (read that with sarcasm please)

Blah blah blah.. we do that.. worth the gannorhea we may have caught from putting the snorkeling gear (most likely NOT clean) in our mouths, ate some amazing crab, took another roller coaster of a ride to the white sandy beaches and then headed back.  At one point, Susan was holding on so tight and even let out a “I don’t like this anymore”!  it was frantic and so much fun!  Only one casualty.. her sunglasses.

Anitcha - 12/26/2010

One of my favorite words used repetitively by Goenkaji.  Anitcha, Anitcha Anitcha.  Change, Change, Change.  His message is that all things change.  And, our work/ practice is to remain equanimous thought this process of change because this will change too.  And well, im no Buddha, so remaining equanimous isn’t really my thing.

Today, after 2 days of misery, I felt a bit better and I fell in love with Cartagena.  Susan helped, of course.  She told me that my being with Beto was not about Beto.  It was about seeing Beto as a reflection of how much I have grown.  I am now with a man that is a certain way because I am able to accept this and have this in my life.  And, now that I have changed, many more men, who are more right for me than those I was with in the past, will come into my life.  But, since I have now made this transition, I cannot go back and the next man will also reflect this change.  Is this true? I don’t know, but it helped!  It helped me to not worry about whether or not I will be or wont be with Beto.  Of course I still have that little pitchfork in between my rib cage, but not so much worry anymore.  It also helped that I got hit on by 2 guys today.  Hey, I still have an ego! It didn’t go away for good and it likes to be fed!

Oh yeah, and I went swimming, no no.. scratch that.. I plopped and got stuck in the mud of a 200 year old volcano and then had my bathing suit removed by a local woman who scrubbed me clean in a lake afterwards.  AWESOME!  I LOVE Colombia!!