traveling vs. "settling" - 12/28/2010

so.. with the help of John and Susan, I think ive finally been able to come to a conclusion about my feelings around this. 

Traveling is THE most amazing thing I have ever done in my life.  It allows me to learn, grow, test my boundaries, become aware of my faults and my fears and try to overcome them.  I meet new and interesting people, try things I never would have tried and be myself in a way that is very difficult to do when you are surrounded by loved ones who have certain expectations for you and also when you are in a society that has certain expectations for you.  I can do things differently and in new ways that I wouldn’t have to answer to anyone about and nobody judges me.  There is something freeing and liberating about being far from everything you know.  I have an opportunity to experiment with who I am and also hide away and run towards life and living.

The other thing I realized is that with all this amazing traveling, eventually its over.  And even the most intense trip with the most harsh emotions and incredible experiences are in the past.  The memories are fading and after a year or two its: wow, I did that.  Then after 3 or 4 years its: I did that, but don’t remember how I got there or why I did it or how I felt.  Then after 5 or 6 years its: where was I when I did what I did.. and did I really do it? Do I have pictures to prove it because I don’t remember and then after 7 or 8 years its: wait .. its nothing because ive completely forgotten to remember it all together.

Of course this may not be the hugest things.. but its most.

So, the point of the story.  For me, traveling all the time is creating the past.  A family, being with someone you love and hate at times, growing with someone, having a life together.  This is the continuing present.  Of course, things may change and it may get better or worse, but its always the present.  And for the first time in my life, I want this.  Yes I know, I am still traveling.  But I feel that when I meet someone who I love and who wants to love me back, I will be ready to see if it works.  I wont protect myself by planning to leave in the future.  I will do what I can to make it work.  Oi.  What a crazy thought!  For me anyway.  And im not afraid of this thought.  Im kind of finding pleasure in thinking about it.

And, as Susan put it so well:  “Jessica, it doesn’t matter where you will travel next, you won’t remember it in a year anyway.”