Diarrhea of the Mouth

The advice I always got..

Never say too much
He doesnt have to know everything
Let him do the talking
Dont be pushy
He should be the man and tell you what he wants
If he is already gone, keep it in, dont let him know what you're feeling and thinking
he should always love you a little but more then you love him
its over, why say anything at all
best to just keep it in, you will get over it and he doesnt deserve to know the truth

Well, as my Australian friend might say (because i may be saying it wrong)  BUGGER TO ALL THAT

I just experienced the most freeing conversation of my life.  After this whole thing happened with Beto, I still felt like I was shattered.  I couldnt figure out what it was.  I thought maybe it was because I was waiting for him to tell me something or that I needed him to tell me he loves me and misses me.  Maybe it was also that I wanted to feel wanted.  I tried to think it through and I tried to feel the truth.  None of it seemed to complete me or fulfill me.  Then it hit.

I was writing to him and I realized I needed to tell him EXACTLY how I felt, how much I love him, how I can see us being together and how I thought he was great for me and great as an individual and how proud I was of him of all the decisions he was making, even if it meant he had to leave me to do it.  I went against EVERY piece of advice i ever got.   And you know what?  It was the most amazing feeling to let it out.  To scream it from the roof tops (not literally).  To let another human being know that he is special and loved no matter what he chooses for himself.  And that he DOES need to put himself first to find happiness if he is ever going to make another person happy.

It also felt good that he knew everything I was feeling so that he could make a better decision for himself.  If I left out information, then his decisions will only be partial as well.  And well, I never fully expressed myself.  To anyone.  Even when I told my friend Carmen, from college, about what i did she said.. "oh my god, you never told ANYONE you love them before!"  and its not because i didnt love them, its because i didnt think i should, or it wasnt right timing, or i wasnt confident enough.

Anyway, after taht conversation, I finally felt free to continue on in my journey.  I knew I had done everything and I no longer have a choice in the matter.  And now, Beto can choose or not choose to be with me in the future and i will be or wont be available.  But, I did my part.  I let it out.  I let him flly understand his importance not only to me but to himself.  And it was the best thing I could have done for both of us.