I continue to wake up feeling a bit ill in my stomach. The gnawing sensation hasn’t quite left from the split. And traveling has never been easy for me. Im having a great time, but I don’t enjoy it as much as everyone seems to think. Im more of a “go somewhere and stay” type of chick. Im not a fan of bussing places and meeting tourists who have to jam pack it all in. I like taking my time and getting to know people and learning about the hidden treasures of a place that cant be found in Lonely Planet. Which, as my friends pointed out and is so true, monopolizes the world of tourists. We are like a pack of lambs ready to listen and obey whatever that guide book tells us. And, its not always right. And, its not even that good.
Where was i.. Yes, I wake up feeling itchy inside and I want to have a better understanding of what the hell im doing but I haven’t given myself the time to sit and reflect. Ive looked for 4 yoga studios already all which are closed and 3 dance studios.. same; closed. It seems to be that time of year where everyone is still playing and nobody wants to work. Which is great for them, bad for me. Im in a complete state of confusion. Not bad. Just confused. And I need the help of a community of people who are practicing and stable to help me get into my own zone to take time to heal myself and figure out what I want from this life. I know at this point I can have anything that I desire. I also know that I will be successful at what I do. Time and experience has shown me that. It is still always a struggle and I always am contemplating and complaining about how to get it and what to do once I have it. But, I know it can be mine. Which, for me, makes it even more difficult and delicate to begin this process. I have to really be ready for choosing what i want and be aware that it will come. I do not just want to put something out there and follow an idea to realize the past 8 months was for something that is completely unimportant and irrelevant for me. That’s what this life is about. Broadening my horizons to get the fullness and richness out of what life has to offer. Well, that’s what it is for me. I am fully aware that this is NOTHING what some people want. But, for me, by being out here and seeing the way other worlds run and work and play, I am opening up new possibilities that I never explored for myself and my future.
But now I have to take that time and explore those desires. Carmon made me do it. And helped me through the process. But, Carmon died and now I have to do it alone. Im not quite there but I feel like im getting closer to searching. Its always the hardest part. Searching through solitude for passion and love.
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