I cannot believe how naïve I am. I honestly thought that he loved me. He said it, so I believed it. How does he use those words in that context when it obviously does not reflect the truth. Yes, he loved me, but because I was his best friend and it was convenient. We laughed together and I pushed him beyond his comfort level, but that is not that same as being in love with someone.
What am I not? What don’t I have? The one man who falls in love over and over again with another woman and each time is told that they no longer love him.. this same man doesn’t fall in love with me?
I needed to know his reaction to fully understand that he let me go because he didn’t love me enough or simply ask me to stay. He just never loved me enough. And I never pushed it because deep down I knew it. And, shit, we did have fun. But, he never truly loved me. This isn’t a movie, people don’t just let their love ones slip away. And he, he walked me to the airport door with a big smile and a wave of the hand and then walked away. Never once did he say a word, ask a question, make a suggestion or give a hint. Nobody is strong enough to let a loved one go. And I felt it. And I knew, but I played his game and pretended like it was OK because I couldn’t deal with the rejection at the time.
Even his “goodbye/ thank you” letter to me never mentioned love, it was merely him thanking me for helping him grow as an individual. His letter was all about what I did for HIM and nothing about me and who I am as an individual.
Well, the thing about putting off what you already know is that later on, it hurts even more because your false hopes turn out to be just that.. crap!
Who am I kidding? I know nothing about love or feeling loved.
You know EVERYTHING about love and being loved. You are one of the most loving people I know and I totally love you. (Just saying).
ReplyDeleteyeah... well, its a week later and i know those feelings and thoughts were a bit absurd.. beto is still one of my best friends and im so thankful to him. :)
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