Woke up at 3:30 AM after a restless night of never-ending fireworks surrounding Lima, crazy Christmas celebration. Mac and I got dressed and headed to the airport. 6:15 I finally boarded after saying good bye to my best friend and had a decent 3 hour flight to Panama. With four hours until the next flight I went online, found Beto and my thoughts from the previous nigh were confirmed.
I think I know my calling, motivational speaker! So yet again, another boyfriend who I convinced to follow his heart (quit his job and travel or find another job) who as a result, I have lost. It was because of this he told me that he cannot have a girlfriend and that he is confused and doesn’t know what to do with his life. He cannot be with someone until he figures himself out first, its time he is selfish! UGH! I’m retarded. Why do I do this? But I am happy for him. I guess. Or I will be after a few days/ weeks, not now. I know all about that book “he’s just not that into you”!
And that’s when I began to drown, slowly at first. In the airport I was frozen in time as people, like robotic frenzies, scurried around me leaving endless trails of echoes, dizzying me all the while. One roll of toilet paper and two packs of tissues later I had my flight. What a fucking flight.
My knees were practically hitting my chest from the turbulence as the tears began to gently flow. No, I did not have a vision of my death and therefore realized how important life is that I felt immediately better. Instead I just cried harder. I was almost at breaking point when the plane landed and I was able to rush out for fresh air. Unfortunately I rushed right into an hour line at immigration. I had to stifle everything once again and the build up was too strong for me now. The pressure was intensifying every minute. Everything was closing in on me. I can only describe it as a can of coke that has been shaken endlessly by a cruel child who was teasing me as to when he was going to release my suffering. And then, without warning, I stepped up to the immigration officer, he said “buenas dias” and my lid fucking popped. I broke down like a blubbering idiot and the flooding came and without shame. The officer looked at me with a frightened look that can only be described as quite amusing. I even felt bad for the poor sucker. He wanted me out of there as quickly as possible. He was soo uncomfortable. He was frozen with fear from my tears and couldn’t look at me. He was speaking fast and reaching for my passport that when he finally got his stamp into his palm and slammed it down, he let out a huge sigh of relief and moved me right along with a weak smile.
But that was only the flood. Then came poor, poor Edwin, my taxi driver. He told me the ride was $6 (super expensive for south America!!!) before I got into the car and then three minutes into the ride he changed it to $7. I started to argue with him “blah blah… don’t fucking try to cheat me, ive been living in south America for a year.. I ve been cheated by every fucking taxi driver in peru.. im sick of it.. im sick of this shit, blah blah” and then it happened. Lightning shot from my eyes, fireworks exploded before us and I began sobbing. Ya know, the whole shoulder bouncing, grasping for air, super sobs! My face was bright red and my eyes as thin as envelope slips. The breath, why the damn breath? The hiccup reaction of trying to catch my breath as I sobbed more and more producing a cyclical reaction.
And boy did he panic! “ OK, OK… only give me $6” he said over and over again until I had enough air to whisper in a barely audible voice: “no, its not you, I just.. I just.. I just had a terrible day.” (there were probably about 5 or 6 more “I just’s” in there before I got the rest out without crying.) Then I went into it after his urging… “ I left my home, my job, my boyfriend and how he didn’t even want me and that I was questioning everything in my life and he just kept repeating “you will love Cartagena.. it is exactly what you need, give it time. (and topped it off with.. ) Your boyfriend is an idiot.”
Well, we got to the hostel and I tried to give him $7 and he would only take $6.
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